why oh why am I so tired today, these days make me depressed..then I dont want to do anything....even though I had plans to do something.....I hate being on a weird sleeping schedule, but can't seem to get on a normal one...yeah, I know, you're all tired of me....but I feel a bit lonely in my struggles everyday, And that most people just don't care what I've got to deal with every day.  They go about their normal life's not giving a thought to the person who spends a good part of her day in bed....everyday..... I wouldn't wish this on anyone...... I hate it

Life

Life is life....and I don't think I will ever give up on trying to find out where all my energy went,

My latest theory......I need to go find it, it just apparently decided to get up and walk away from me, so I would have to go on many adventures to find it.....hmmm,  I guess it got bored with me!  First place I am going to look for it........DISNEYLAND!

Wish me luck!

Sleeping schedule

There are so many things I wish I could do today. I have been attempting to get on a normal sleeping pattern without the use of a sleep aid. It sucks! I think I have finally gotten the ambien out of my system, but now it seems like my sleeping habits are turned upside down. I  have not slept well all last week due to getting off said sleep aid, and so yesterday I crashed! Slept all day long in a really deep sleep. I was up at noon, for some food but was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. So back into bed I went and slept till 5pm! Now my body is on opposite  time and I am having a very hard time staying awake right now.  It is true that I did not fall asleep until 3 am, but one reason was because of the sudden onset of stomach cramps I had off and on until then...What do I do???? I am too tired to do anything but stare at things. Maybe I will just go back to bed...for a bit.

Thinking

I really just can't believe that it is December already. This year has flown right by! To quote a song I listen to often "She hates time, just make it stop".

Sometimes thinking is not fun, Thinking about my life, and my plans that are not really achievable  anymore.  It makes me depressed, but I need to move on. I don't ever want to give up on getting better, but for now I think I need to change my perspective of what is going to happen in my life. Make new goals, and move on....... and forget what I wanted to become.

Maybe if I give up what I want, I can become something better/different then what I had thought I would become someday.

pictures!

Sometimes I feel like I'm a plant and can only be happy and thriving when there's sun around. I feel better in the sun then I do any where else (that I can think of at the moment).

Winters are hard on me, I'm sick more, and have more anxiety. Not sure why.....

Anyways. Here's my life in pictures lately:)

My nephew, attempting to build a contraption with a jump rope to lift this bucket.

And me for Halloween!

This is what my wall looked liked for a while as I worked on some awesome t shirts.

I burnt dinner:) RB and i just left it there and went out to eat.

I'm being a stalker, this is my sister coming to do her laundry.

worst

one of my worst anxiety attacks happened over night. Woke up finding myself with my arms tightly wrapped around this teddy bear. My husband switched himself for this bear so he could go to work. Oh I love him!

'TIS the season!

Yeah, so Hi Again....to me, I guess :)

Well Winter is coming and along with that also comes the cold/flu season. For me/someone with CFIDS that means getting sick every other week with a cold or something! I really try my hardest to use hand sanitizer everywhere I go and I try to not be around people who are sick, but it is really hard to be like "hey, Are you sick? STAY AWAY!"People just usually don't understand. Especially when it comes to church functions. Imagine, waking into a giant room with about 200 ( I think) people in it, and all you hear is.....cough....sneeze....wheeze....people clearing throats......and so on!

My brain goes through this "ahhh, I am going to sit in the far back and hope nothing gets to me!" But then........the hand shakes come at the end of the meeting!  I mean how do you politely avoid handshakes and have people understand? What I do is leave as quickly as possible after the closing prayer. Some people might think I am stuck up.....but really I am not.

Ok, you are probably thinking "oh my, she is such a germaphobe!" 

Think about it this way. What if you were in a constant mind frame of "can I do this? how much energy is this going to cost me? how will it make me feel later? If I do this, what will I not have energy to do later?"  It is a constant battle in my head of divvying out energy to the more important things in life, but then a sickness comes along and seriously picks me up and throws me into my bed and says "YOU MUST NOT DO ANYTHING OR YOU WILL HAVE MY WRATH UPON YOU!"

....and there I stay feeling just horrible for a couple of days..... It is not fun!

Oh wow! Was that to long of a rant?

Anyways! SO I have still been slowly getting my apartment put in place from the move. It is finally getting there. Most boxes have been unpacked, and at least most things are in the right rooms.

I went to the doctors about my arms....and my vitamin D levels are super low! I have been taking vitamin D for about a week now, and my arms have not improved much, but we will wait and see how it goes.