July ????

What in the what? WInter was the worst! but then the warm wheather comes and its already July! I always think, "I should update my blog" but then when I actually start writing my brain draws a blank.

     I am still struggling with depression, I never know how much to actually write about that. But depression is the worst, especially when it just goes on and on. As I said in my last posts, I am working with a doctor on it, but my body seems to have so many sensitivities to medication that it has been hard to find one, that doesn't give me crazy side effects. Here's to hoping the latest one I'm on works.

     The long lasting depression I have had, has been worse than the surgeries, in my mind. The one thing that was harder than the depression was the pain I had right after surgeries, and that was because the medicines (again) were giving me bad side effects, we got it figured out though. I always have theories as to what is going on or what happened. After I realized the surgery only took away some of my symptoms and not the worst ones, my brain couldn't handle it, I guess, anymore. I am doing a little better then I was, but it has been really really really hard to face some truths in my life. I will probably require the use of some kind of disablity equipment ( walker, cane, wheelchairs...etc) for the rest of my life. I will probably not get any better than I am right now, and that is heartbreaking to me. The life I thought I would have, has been stolen from me.....after 12 years of stuggling, I am coming to the realization that this is it. There will likely be no progressing, but possibly just getting worse as the years go by, and that scares me.

 I only write all this so I can actually see that my life does progress. I can look back and see what has been, and know that I can keep living, even if it is the life I didn't think I would have. I can't change it, litereally.....my body won't allow me to do more....and my brain won't allow me to do less...Its a constant war.

My life in pictures. I feel like everyday I give up lately. It has been a really hard winter. I am not sure what is going on. I am going to doctors and I am trying to do all the right things. I know, My blog posts have been filled with depression lately, its not something that goes away easily. I have been trying to keep my mind busy, but it is really hard. Its like " Something has changed within me, something is not the same." 10 points for you if you get the reference.

What a not so great year.

My Life the last year!

January: Spinal fluid leak from previous surgury. Requiring me to  get two more surgeries to fix it.

January: Stayed pretty much in bed for a month and it was only getting worse. So it was off to SC again for surgery.

January: Off to SC to go into Emergency surgery

They brought me a flower with one of my meals. It made my day there at the hospital.

While I was in the hospital, RB got tested for Covid......and he wasn't in the hospital. 
 SO I requested as many dog visits as possible :)

Was Released for hospital to recover at a near by hotel. It had a great view of the Bridge.

It was again a lot of bed rest for 6 weeks so I wouldn't tear back open again.

I worked on small little projects that I had ordered.

February : Finally feeling ok to get some make up on.

Late February : Felt well enough to go to a restaurant with this cute nephew

I lived off heat pack and ice packs. MK enjoyed the heat packs also.

Got sick, thankfully it wasn't covid. Who know how my body would reacted.

THis is how I felt from January to about March.

April, Finally warm enough to get some sun outside.

My Family farm, has a little island My aunts and uncles have been designing. Its been fun to see the progress.

Just waiting in the car, in the warmness

constant spring / summer going to physical therapy,

Cold spring day, people gather around my fire place. I love it!

More PT

May: We were able to spend a little time in a cabin with my in-laws side of the family. Didn't get as many picture as I should have.

May: Our yearly family reunion and I finally got an updated picture of me and Trevor

Ollie has decided that my head bands are his toys, and I am in constant search. we found them all safety hidden one day.

My messy yard, that stresses me out more and more each year, because I can do less and less each year.

Got lot of Kitty cuddles throughout recovery

My Sister Graduated! 

My Parents got a new dog! 

More PT and the lovely blue robes

June: Was able to celebrate my nephews one year old birthday.

July: Got this amazing haircut! My surgery was coming up soon so I knew they were going to shave my head any ways.

Had our yearly Yellowstone trip. Wasn't able to do much, but it was nice to get out of the house.

August: attempted swimming but had to keep compression and use my walker.

August: Another design before surgery

August: On our way to SC for another surgery

Before surgery went for a little sight seeing, this boat was really cool to see.

Another surgery and another bright colored thing on my finger. Still don't know Why I took this picture

This surgery was quite painful and stay in the hospital for 5 days, and had to stay at a hotel near by for another week.

Yay! Being Discharged

My scar after about 3 weeks, figure people didn't want to see the scar right after surgery

September: Started having crazy anxiety the first time we drove somewhere and was super nauseas, decided I needed to have a lot longer to take a short drive.

Tribute to Hagrid the day he passed away

October :watching my sisters kids bowling. 

I started having major depressive episodes and realized real roses help keep my spirits a bit up.

Aftermath of surgery on my skin, I am so pail and a bit jaunt.

October: Another cool design while my scar heals

October :On Halloween, My sister and I sat outside in front of a fire pit and just let the tick or treaters take candy form a bowl we had sitting in front of the fire.

November: Trying to find cloths that won't bug all my scars.

Christmas Eve Dinner

Christmas eve dinner

Meep! What can I say, he is adorable.

December :New hat.

December :And new obsession lately. Making epoxy things.

This year has been the hardest in my life. I hope to not repeat it. With 5 hospital stays, and 4 surgeries, and my mental health being ripped to shreds. Lets just hope this new year is a little better.