Thinking

I really just can't believe that it is December already. This year has flown right by! To quote a song I listen to often "She hates time, just make it stop".

Sometimes thinking is not fun, Thinking about my life, and my plans that are not really achievable  anymore.  It makes me depressed, but I need to move on. I don't ever want to give up on getting better, but for now I think I need to change my perspective of what is going to happen in my life. Make new goals, and move on....... and forget what I wanted to become.

Maybe if I give up what I want, I can become something better/different then what I had thought I would become someday.

pictures!

Sometimes I feel like I'm a plant and can only be happy and thriving when there's sun around. I feel better in the sun then I do any where else (that I can think of at the moment).

Winters are hard on me, I'm sick more, and have more anxiety. Not sure why.....

Anyways. Here's my life in pictures lately:)

My nephew, attempting to build a contraption with a jump rope to lift this bucket.

And me for Halloween!

This is what my wall looked liked for a while as I worked on some awesome t shirts.

I burnt dinner:) RB and i just left it there and went out to eat.

I'm being a stalker, this is my sister coming to do her laundry.

worst

one of my worst anxiety attacks happened over night. Woke up finding myself with my arms tightly wrapped around this teddy bear. My husband switched himself for this bear so he could go to work. Oh I love him!

'TIS the season!

Yeah, so Hi Again....to me, I guess :)

Well Winter is coming and along with that also comes the cold/flu season. For me/someone with CFIDS that means getting sick every other week with a cold or something! I really try my hardest to use hand sanitizer everywhere I go and I try to not be around people who are sick, but it is really hard to be like "hey, Are you sick? STAY AWAY!"People just usually don't understand. Especially when it comes to church functions. Imagine, waking into a giant room with about 200 ( I think) people in it, and all you hear is.....cough....sneeze....wheeze....people clearing throats......and so on!

My brain goes through this "ahhh, I am going to sit in the far back and hope nothing gets to me!" But then........the hand shakes come at the end of the meeting!  I mean how do you politely avoid handshakes and have people understand? What I do is leave as quickly as possible after the closing prayer. Some people might think I am stuck up.....but really I am not.

Ok, you are probably thinking "oh my, she is such a germaphobe!" 

Think about it this way. What if you were in a constant mind frame of "can I do this? how much energy is this going to cost me? how will it make me feel later? If I do this, what will I not have energy to do later?"  It is a constant battle in my head of divvying out energy to the more important things in life, but then a sickness comes along and seriously picks me up and throws me into my bed and says "YOU MUST NOT DO ANYTHING OR YOU WILL HAVE MY WRATH UPON YOU!"

....and there I stay feeling just horrible for a couple of days..... It is not fun!

Oh wow! Was that to long of a rant?

Anyways! SO I have still been slowly getting my apartment put in place from the move. It is finally getting there. Most boxes have been unpacked, and at least most things are in the right rooms.

I went to the doctors about my arms....and my vitamin D levels are super low! I have been taking vitamin D for about a week now, and my arms have not improved much, but we will wait and see how it goes.

Wabam!

I need to post more!

My life has been kind of crazy lately. Moved out of two places and downsizing into an apartment can be quite stressful.  Where do I put all my stuff?! Good thing for DI :) I have gotten rid of quite a lot of stuff.

My arms have been hurting a lot lately, and so now I am going to make this post short because of my lovely left arm right now.

Hopefully I will be able to write more soon

My nightmares

   Everyone has weird dreams, right? Well before I got sick,  my nightmares seemed normal, when I would have them.  Like being chased by monsters, or a loved one dying. ya know, the normal stuff. At least the normal stuff for me. After I got mono, and then Chronic fatigue my nightmares definitely changed. Now I have a couple of dreams that are recurring. The first one is me sleeping through everything. If I have an appointment the next day, My nightmares include sleeping all day and missing my whole day and my appointment.  The second dream I have  is me doing normal day things, but they are just impossible for me to do. Like in my dreams I will be so extremely tired that I can't get out of bed and do the stuff I need to do! This is a big nightmare for me because its like I am under a spell and no matter how hard I try to get up, I just can't because of exhaustion. Or sometimes in this dream I have to get to point A to point B and I am at point A laying flat on the ground with exhaustion crazy tiredness, looking at everyone around me  going from point A to point B just fine. I don't really like these dreams and they always seem to start showing up when I know I have worn myself out over the last couple of days, or a sickness is coming. They have definitely making there way into my dreams the last couple of weeks. I do feel over worked and maybe I am getting sick or something. WE will hopefully just get the stress levels down and these dreams will go away. 

 Most days I wake up feeling crappy